A Note from Auntie Logy

On Kauai’s Hwy
by Gae Rusk

Auntie was driving home from Princeville Foodland, heading down that long, steep hill toward Kalihiwai River, when the rental car ahead of me stopped mid-bridge to photograph the waterfall. Vehicles coming downhill both directions screeched and skidded, some skewing sideways, and it was a near miss all around. Then, the car drove off like nothing had happened.

Auntie Logy was so appalled at the Visitor’s self-absorbed, hazardous behavior, Auntie followed him all the way to Kilauea Lighthouse. There Auntie parked behind his car and got out and explained why he was lucky he wasn’t singing the flat car blues.

Because of many hellish moments like this on Kauai’s Hwy, Auntie says we need to make some attempt to educate all these arriving drivers. The State of Hawaii has been rated more than once as having the worst road conditions in the USA, and Auntie Logy knows everyone driving on Kauai will agree with that. Since so many Visitors are driving these narrow, bumpy, crowded roads with us, why not bring them up to speed while they are still en route.

Believe me, Auntie has thought a lot about how to do this when toodling up the Hwy at 38 mph, tenth car in a line of twenty, all of us behind one Visitor who thinks Kauai is a giant golf course with a super-size water hazard.

The best idea Auntie came up with is for incoming airlines to tuck laminated explanations of island driving conditions into seatback pockets. Flight attendants could indicate these sheets during their safety hulas. No doubt it would be good remedial info for Kauai residents on those flights, including Auntie.

As to cruise ships arriving at Nawiliwili Harbor, it would be simple to add island driving seminars to activities at sea. Lessons could be presented between islands, and even designed for each island’s road conditions. Cautionary photos could be displayed. Once they know what driving here is really like, Visitors might stick to the K-Mart shuttle, and everyone would be better off.

Designing and implementing such a program would likely take one tedious path through Kauai’s system of getting things done, so Auntie Logy will kick start it by asking Visitors driving here to recognize a few vital clues.

One, Kauai is not a theme park. Residents driving all those pickups and SUVs are trying to get to work, or to Wilcox walk-in clinic, or to the Raider-Warrior game at Vidinha, or to Otsuka’s for the one day mattress sale. Whatever reason, the point is, local drivers are not on vacation.

Two, the Hwy is already crowded with Citizens of Kauai even before Visitors drive into the mix. In fact, the Hwy is packed with Auntie’s daughters’ cars, and the cars of all their many friends, as they drive from Nawiliwili to Starbucks, from campus to Macy’s cosmetic counters, from the Kipu turnoff to the Kauai Collision Center after running into one big pig on the Hwy.

Three, Auntie does not like to honk her horn. Auntie believes there still exists here a faint but lingering patience with visiting drivers and with each other. Auntie knows several Kauai drivers are patient with Auntie when she has stupid, careless moments on the road, but what this means is few Visitors will ever know how much and how often they offend us on our Hwy.
My position on this Hwy problem? Aunty has had enough. Some effort must be made to improve the Hwy experience, so Visitors, you need to heed a few crucial rules while you are driving on Kauai:

• Do not stop mid-bridge to video the river.
  
• Do not read maps and drive at the same time.
  
• Do not creep along Kauai’s Hwy where others cannot pass you, then speed up where we can, especially on the hill at the old dairy, which isn’t there any more, so you just have to know.
  
• Do not rush toward Hanalei Bridge to join the end of a line of cars already crossing. It is likely the other side has been waiting and is ready to go, and you could be permanently crippled by stink-eye.
  
• If a line of pickup trucks forms behind you, pull over at the next wide spot and let us by. If you find yourself two feet from the rusted clunker ahead, there is really no where to go, so back off.
  
• If you find yourself in a turn-only lane, go ahead and make the turn and figure it out later, and do not try a desperate merge back into traffic that brings us all to a stall. Auntie is thinking in particular about the Foodland to Safeway merge, now a construction zone, where Hwy anarchy rules and drivers make enemies for life.
  
• And, pay attention now, do not flatten Auntie Logy in any crosswalk. This is the only time Auntie is telling you this.

To tell you the truth, something has to change soon, because the altered nature of driving Kauai’s Hwy is driving Auntie crazy. Auntie has stress when she drives her Hwy. Auntie has even waved with one finger at Visitors because of their bad Hwy manners, so something must be done before Auntie’s head explodes.

Is Auntie the only one thinking this? Is there any Kauai Educateer interested in developing this campaign with the Kauai Visitor Bureau? If so, may the island’s God of Transportation bless you forever.

There now, Auntie Logy spoke her mind. Auntie feels much better. A hui hou.

Please note: Used as a noun, antilogy is an inconsistency or contradiction in terms of ideas, causing controversy and discussion.

Gae Rusk, copyright 2006