A Note from Auntie Logy

[Eds. note: This is the sixth is a series by Gae Rusk under the column, "A Note from Auntie Logy." To read more from Auntie, scroll down or click on the link in the sidebar to the right.]

on
Running for Office


Auntie Logy is thinking of running for office. This current election has inspired Auntie to maybe take the plunge into politics, but when Auntie said this out loud last week at bowling league, the whole team cried out, Make sure you can swim in poop! And, Make sure you’ve had all your shots! They were saying things like that all morning, which put Auntie off her game, so Auntie went home with a bowling score like a round of golf.

But all this got Auntie thinking. If – and that’s one big IF – if Auntie Logy ran for office in one future election, what would Auntie talk about? What would Auntie support? What would Auntie Logy stand for.

So Auntie began to make one big list of positions on issues, and the first thing Auntie thought of is to raise the drinking age to 35. This alone would solve a number of public and private problems on Kauai. If you don’t believe Auntie, just ask the families of Kauai’s many alcoholics.

Then Auntie wrote down the idea of limiting helicopters and small planes to flying only offshore. That way, their noise and invasiveness would be farther away from Kauai’s residents, who have somehow become less important than the tourist-based helicopter companies. Then when those planes and helicopters fall out of the sky, which they do more and more, they would land on water and not on Auntie and her neighbors.

If nothing else, Auntie would introduce a measure encouraging all home owners to write angry messages in giant letters on their roofs, messages like “Sky Scum!” and “Tourists Go Home!” Do not scoff at Auntie Logy for suggesting this, it has worked before. Several years ago, one of Auntie’s neighbor’s cousin’s nephews painted “Fuck You” on his roof in Hanalei Valley, and guess what? Helicopters stopped whacking Hanalei Valley to death! The families living there finally regained peace and privacy, because helicopter companies did not want their passengers to see how unpopular and unwelcome they are, especially after charging tourists several hundred dollars each to take those cursed flights.

Next Auntie Logy decided the issue of requiring an EIS for the Super Ferry is not dead, even though Linda’s email this morning claimed so. Auntie says, Oh yeah? Well, if it’s such a big State supported project, then let the damn cars getting off the Ferry drive on State roads and only State roads. After circling Nawiliwili Harbor for 12 hours, they’d never bring their cars to Kauai again. Auntie believes Kauai’s families need to staunchly defend our County’s environment and infrastructure from an insidious invasive species – the State of Hawaii Department of Transportation.

Auntie knows the issue of the Super Ferry is a huge example of off-island ownership, a devastating problem for Kauai, one that would need to be front and center in Auntie’s campaign. For many, many years, Auntie has seen the movers and shakers in Honolulu pay no attention to the opinions of citizens on the outer islands. Those Oahu leaders, they all sit on the same committees and the same boards and belong to the same country clubs, which Auntie thinks is kind of creepy. Their decisions are never based on the best interests of the outer islands. Look at the shabby situation they created for patients and staff at Wilcox Hospital. Look at the decision not to build Maui a desperately needed new hospital. Look at the Super Ferry controversy.

Auntie says these Honolulu power brokers have developed an arrogant culture of outer island ownership without actually living on any of the outer islands, without really caring about the outer islands except for vacation time and big profits. Because of this Oahu-centric attitude, Auntie Logy says it’s time Kauai votes these people and possibly the State of Hawaii off this island.

What other positions could Auntie take? Oh yes, this one is important. Auntie’s dear, sweet tutu needed so much help at the end of her life, so much pain she was in. Our lovely, wonderful tutu suffered and suffered, so we all, every one of us, willingly committed the crime of buying cannabis for her. Cannabis was the only medicine that allowed her any distance from her condition. Cannabis was the only medicine that gave her a plateau of sanity. Not just Auntie Logy but the entire ohana became criminals to buy cannabis for this beloved elder to help her through the chemotherapy and the agony of her illness.

So yes, one of Auntie Logy’s positions is to get rid of the moronic law that made our ohana into a gang of criminals. Auntie is insulted by moral nazis who support such ignorant laws. Auntie would like to see the enforcers of this stupid law go to jail for life for continuing such cruelty. If elected, Auntie promises to speak out loudly against such unqualified, mean-natured incompetents running our society.

What else? Oh yes, housing for Auntie’s children, or at least access to a permit to expand Auntie’s house, which ever comes first. Possibly great-grandchildren will come before a permit, so Auntie would run for office on the platform of firing the Director of Planning and the entire Planning Department. Auntie also supports making all longtime members of the Planning Commission resign. They must be either inept or evil, because they have deliberately pointed Kauai toward illogical ruin. Auntie Logy believes any citizen who love Kauai would vote for sweeping that unqualified, possibly dirty deck clean. Auntie could probably win on this point alone.

There are so many issues to make Auntie Logy run. Auntie writes and writes letters of protest, but running for office? That will take some consideration, because Auntie has just a few little secrets that some opponent might exploit. Auntie knows this seems impossible, but remember Auntie Logy went to college in the ‘70s.
So, running is a possibility, but more on that later, because right now Auntie has to run. Mahalo nui loa for listening, you always make Auntie feel so much better. Want to go bowling sometime? Just let Auntie know. A hui hou.


Please note: Antilogy is an inconsistency or contradiction in terms or ideas,
causing controversy and discussion.


Gae Rusk copyright 2006